These things are beautiful beyond belief. The pleasant feeling that comes after pain. The radiant greatness that comes after the rain. The deepened faith that follows after grief and the awakening to love again…Although this is very hard to do, HOPING and believing that God will take care of my human needs every day let me survive my days as jobless, rejected and devalued human being. This is the kind of freedom that I want to have, although in the recent months I was overwhelmed with power, carnal desires and fame only to fall with a stroke of a hand coming from those people who desire to hold the power that I wield.
I lost on the process almost everything - my friends, my career, my life and the life that I want my child to have. I also suffered the agony of being rejected, being judged and being labeled by hypocrisy of the people around me. Nothing was left, except one - and i.e. my GOD who despite of my anguish, I continue to entrust the life that I am holding dearly and the future in store for me and my son. At least I know that I am alive and in God's time, I will be regaining the honor that was forcibly taken from me. If I die now I know that everything I would do will be labors in futility.
Many a times I cried in the darkness of my room only to be consoled by my personal God who seems to be with me all the time. I suffered the agony of being alone, smiling in front of the people although there would be continuous flow of tears in the abyss of my soul. At last, for now I am valuing the worth that He gives me and I am not succumbing to the final act next to tragedy that even great minds and brilliant individuals were consumed of - like Vincent van Gogh and Ernest Hemingway. They committed suicide when they thought that everything which they would do seemed to be futile. If only they could have known that God would always be there for them.
I tried praying and holding on the ROSARY that was never separated from my body which continuously connects me to God and Mama Mary… A'las, I never desired to do all the things that I WILL, instead I let God to do all His WILL to me.